A shoulder to cry on
by kashyuri
Summary: Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on sometimes...
1. Chapter 1 : Alone

**warnings : **

language, self torture, sexual scenes

In this story i want to exhibit the issue of committing a suicide . Some might not take this as a serious issue . I hope somehow trough this story people could undarstand the pain and the hopelessness of those people who commit suicide . When people get to this condition everybody they know should help them.

i absolutely have no desire or intention to hurt anybody -if you feel uncomfortable while reading it please stop reading this story.

**A sholder to cry on **

**chapter one**

**Alone**

**

* * *

**

"Tick tak tick tak" Ed listened in concentration to the sound of the hands switching slowly in the big round watch above him . The silence in the room was so dull and unbearable . He wanted to go to sleep but at the other hand , he wanted to stay awake for Al .It had been almost three weeks since he had gotten Al's body back .The doctor said it would take him over three weeks or so to wake up .

The blond lied there feeling pressure in his chest ... He hated the hospital . He couldn't sleep during the nights, It was impossible for him . Right now he felt emptiness inside , a loneliness that he had never felt before .

He played with his hair by slipping the golden strings between his real fingers .Of course he could go out for a walk , to think and to breath fresh air ... But something held him on the couch . He could call it an inner voice, that told him to stay close to Al , no matter what will happen he will stay loyal for his young brother ...

Sudenly he felt the urge to fill his throat with ice-water , he hadn't drunk all day , he hadn't drunk for almost two days in fact ... He felt the need to cough because of the dryness in his throat .

He wished Al to wake up already so they could leave this place and never return . He wished that he could go back to the day he and Al preformed the humen transformation and stop himself from being a reckless idiot .Sometimes he wished he had never been born , And sometimes he wished he could just drop dead ..

But for Al ...For Al he would stay strong , At least till the day he wakes up .

* * *

The sound of a silent knocking and a man's voice that was calling "fullmetal ? " met the teen's ears . 

He already knew who it was . Mustang usually came to check on him and Al . The man slightly opened the door , Ed could see a few lines of light from the hallway, He let his eyes track over the lines , Up to men's face. Roy was whispering ones again " fullmetal ? " , He slowly stepped into the room and closed the door behind him .

"are you awake ? " he asked in concern . The blond nodded but then it came to his mind that the man probably couldn't see him the dark . He quickly set himself from lying position to sitting and whispered " Yeah .. I'm awake " .

The man sighed , Ed could hear the colonel's steps on the ceramic floor " Make me some room , will you ? " he said calmly .

Ed slightly moved to the right side of the cough and waited to the colonel to say or do something .

" I brought you some food ,coffee and a bottle of water ' He raised a brown bag and gazed to the teen's pouted face . " I'm not hungry " Ed frowned and leaned his chin between his hands . Roy quickly sat down and gazed to Al's direction .

" You must eat something or at least drink water " he yawned and leaned his head on the back rest "The nurses are starting to worry about you fullmetal " he said and gazed up to the ceiling with tired eyes .

The teen nodded he really was thirsty and Roy came just on time " You want water or coffee ? " the dark haired man asked as he's taking out the drinks out from the bag.

"Water " Ed replied and moved his gaze to look at the door impatiently . The last thing that he needed right now was coffee. He wanted to run away from this place but he would stay only for Al .

" Here " Roy said kindly and handed him the bottle of water .The teen eagerly opened the bottle cork , He felt sting in his throat with every sip he was taking. He coughed silently and closed the cork . It was hurting for him to drink right now..

" Are you allright ? " the man asked in worry , " Yeah ... i just think i caught a cold " . Roy looked at him with the look of ' _i know you are not okay, you can tell me if you need help_ ' on his face . Ed frowned " Really i'm fine " he lied , Nothing was allright ...

There was an awkward silence between the two , Roy released a sigh and glanced to Ed's direction " You can go to sleep fullmetal, I'll keep an eye on him " there was a pause it seemed like the man stoped to think about another thing that he'd like to say but he didn't say anything else .

Ed nodded and let his head rest on the back rest , The thought ran on his mind like people who were late to their work.. or train . It didn't matter what it was like. He had so much to ask .. He wanted to know why the colonel was so nice sudenly , but it could wait for another time.

Since the day he had gotten Al's body back mustang seemed to worry for him even more . A step by step he could say , He had noticed that when he's getting worse .. Mustang was worrying to him even more ..

He rubbed the tips of his fingers against his eyes , he was surrounded by people that loved and cared for him , Yet he felt that he was all alone . Nobody really could understand him ...

He slightly froze and he could vaguely hear Mustang's voice calling his name but he decided to ignore it. " Ed ? .. " the man whispered . Roy frowned from the lack of response , It wasn't like Ed al all... he decided to leave it . Ed probably just was tired , he hoped .Roy glanced one last time to Ed's face .. he could ask Ed if he needs anything tomorrow , for now he'll just let him sleep ..

* * *

Ed slowly opened his eyes and looked around , His vision was still blurry but he could see , More like he couldn't see Mustang .. Nor '_Al_ !' he felt a wave of coldness washing his body . He scanned the room with fear in his eyes , His breath was becoming erratic , His heart was starting to beat fast in his chest and a sweat trickled down his forehead . 

_'What happened to Al?! and where is Mustang ?'_ he gathered up speed as quickly as he could ran directly to the door and broke into the hallway. If something has happened ! he could never forgive himself ! .

He ran down the hallway , Tears trickling from his eyes down his cheeks ' H_e didn't lose Al ones again ,right_ ?'He thought miserbly as he's runing , He would go anywhere to find him . Sudenly his eyes met the nurse that was taking care of Al since he got here . He stopped for a moment to wipe the tears from his cheeks and eyes , He let his voice and breath steady for a moment before taking the step to the nurse's spot .

"good morning honey (1) did you sleep well ? " she asked kindly . Ed gazed down to his shoes " Yes I did ' he said in a shaky voice .

" Is everything okay ? " she asked in worry ... " Ha ... have you seen a .. Al ? " he stuttered and gazed out of the window to the big squwered garden outside .He clenched his teeth together and waited for her to say something .

She smiled at him " Yes i have " she said happily " He's down stairs at the garden with the colonel Mustang , a spark was lit in her eyes when she said **'the colonel** . _'Of course'_ he thought bitterly .

"You're going to meet them , right ? " he nodded a bit more happily letting a little smile touch his lips , He was so glad that Al has finely woken up . He couldn't even express it by words , also couldn't work the expression.

"Yeah ..thank you very much " he mumbled and hurried down the stairs . The doctor said it might take a few more weeks .. But .. But he was awake !

* * *

When he opened the glass door to the yard he was seeking for the two. Up and down , Right and left . In his sight he couldn't see anyone _' Maybe the colonel took him for a walk ? '_ he was so drown in thoughts and worries that he didn't feel the hand that was touching his shoulder . Didn't see the figure that stood infront of him, Nor the voice that called his name . 

" Ed ! " Roy shouted , He grabbed the teen's shoulders and roughly shook him . The blond gazed hard into the black deep eyes . He stood there for a few moments snd didn't say anything . He just gazed into the man's eyes in wonder, Like they would give him the answer that he was looking for .

Roy frowned at him. He shook him slowly while whispering his name " Ed ... e .. are you okay ? .. what's the matter ? couldn't you see us , You were looking right at us but you ignored me calling you " he said in worry .

"Where is Al ? " the teen finely shouted out , He hadn't realized how loudly he was till one of the nurses came to their direction and asked him to be a little more quiet . He just couldn't control himself anymore . He sobbed and let his head drop down to gaze at the grass .

" I.. I'm sorry " he whispered " Can i see Al now ? " he glanced up to the colonel's face . the nodded and grabbed Ed's hand " this way " he said kindly . Ed looked at the floor , He would let the colonel lead him ' A_fter all_ ' he smiled sadly..' I_'m still a dog of the military '_

* * *

"Here he is " the man said and smiled at Al . The sandy haired teen slightly blinked . He was eating an apple , He quickly swallowed the rest of the apple that was in his mouth and looked at Ed happily " Brother ! " he yelled in excitement . 

"Al" he whispered stepping a bit closer to the boy . A few tears froze in his eyes . His body stoped , The little control that he had on his body was rapidly slipping away ' W_hat if it was only a dream ? What if Al haven't woken up yet ?_ '

"Brother ?" the fifteen years old (2) whispered and walked slowly to the blond teen's spot " Brother ?" he searched for Ed's face but the hair was covering it up in a way that hid the teen's eyes .

Sudenly he felt two arms that were wrapping him tightly and bringing him closer to the teen " Al ! " Ed cried letting the tears drop down to the earth . A sob escaped from him as he's tightening his grip on the whimpering body" Al .. " he tried to fight more tears to come but he couldn't keep it inside anymore . He buried his head into the sandy haired teen's shoulder and waited for Al to say anything or do something .

He fought the urge to cry , but he surrendered , the emotion and urge were way too strong . A squeaky voice came out of his throat and he whispered " Al .. i'm so sorry " he bit his lip and wiped the tears with his coat sleeve " i'm so sorry " he cried out loudly ,he lossen his grip letting his head drop ones again to gaze the grass . Now he was standing there feeling a hard pain in his chest , and a dull sound of echoing in his head . It killed him slowly. He didn't even know why he felt that way all of a sudden.

" Brother ? " .. "Fullmetal ? " both the colonel and Al said at ones . He wanted to answer them but all he could do right now was to stand there . He swallowd a lump in his throat , right now more than ever he felt bad .He was biting his lip so tight a blood formed on the side of his mouth , it was dribbling down his chin to his neck . Al put his hand on Ed's real shoulder " Brother ?" he slightly smiled and wiped the blood from Ed's chin " I'm fine , you have nothing to sorry about "

" Al i think that Ed should take a short nap , I'll walk with him to your room , you can stay here for now i won't be gone for too long " Roy said and forced a smile on his face . " Okay " the boy nodded and went to sat back on the bench . He glanced over his shoulder " Are you sure you're okay brother ?" he firmed one last time

"Yes I'm fine Al .. just really tired " he smiled a fake smile , he wanted Al to be happy . The sandy haired boy blinked and sat down . He knew something wasn't allright with Ed .. but what could that be ?

" I'll be back in less than ten minutes Alphonse so just wait for me in here " the man said officialy and gave Ed a gentle push on his back . he sighed

" Lets go... "

* * *

" What happened to you latly ? " the man asked in curiousity " You're not eating , you are quite ..it's unlike you " he said and leaned on his knees infront of the blond . _'No response ...'_ he deeply breathed and gazed to Ed's eyes " Ed ? " he said slowly .. 

The teen shut his eyes strongly and bit his lip ones again " stop that , you'll wound yourself that way " the man whispered seriously , he smiled a bit in pity '_ What the hell could make him act that way ? ' _he thought sadly .

Ed's eyes shut even tighter , Aasob escaped from him , ae forcefully said " i'm fine i'm just very tired that is it ! " Roy sighed , he stood up amd stepped to the door's direction, he stoped for a moment then said " Whatever you say ... you should just lie down and take a nap "

Ed waited for him to get out of the room , he buried his face in his hands and silently laughed at himself 'Y_ou're so stupid , why can't you just shout it out ?_ '...

_Well if Ed didn't tell me it's obvios that he doesn't want me to help him_ ' Roy thought as he's walking down the hallway .. he frowned .

_' And why do i care for him so much anyway... how many times did i ask him if he was allright ? ... really why ...? '_

* * *

Damn this one was a torture... i hope to uopload the next chapter fast , yet i need to work on a new chapter to 'attention' and also ' the reflection of the next world' 

I think that this chapter didn't go so well thought .. i really hope that i'm wrong , this is the best way i could express myself at this , hope to get better on the next chap .

side note : have you noticed that i'm using the word ' And ' alot in my fics ? i don't like to use this word so much , but i use it alot beacuse it's hard for me to find another way to connect the words with each other .

By the way .. i know i may made Roy too sensitive to Ed's problem .. but i'll change it later .

1) i decided that the nurse would call him honey beacuse Ed is still teenager .

2) i decided that Al's age would be 15 , Ed's age is still 16 .


	2. Chapter 2 : where the road ends

**warnings : ****warnings : **

language, self torture, sexual scenes

In this story i want to exhibit the issue of committing a suicide . Some might not take this as a serious issue . I hope somehow trough this story people could undarstand the pain and the hopelessness of those people who commit suicide . When people get to this condition everybody they know should help them.

i absolutely have no desire or intention to hurt anybody -if you feel uncomfortable while reading it please stop reading this story.

**A sholder to cry on **

**chapter two**

**Where the road ends **

* * *

Ed calmly sat on the windosill , since Al has woken up he was a daydreaming . They were still at the hospital , Al still had to take a few shots , pills , and medications . He liked to sit like that for a few hours , to read a book , to think , or just to breath freash air . Two weeks has passed since that day when he was so weak and vulnerable . It didn't matter that Al was awake , he still won't sleep at night . He somehow , still was empty inside , but he did feel a little better , that was at least what the people around him thought . 

But he inside knew he won't be able to keep it forever . He'll take it all out someday soon , maybe even at the next few days . He read a thick , brown book about alchemy in concentration when he heard a familiar voice calling" Brother ! " Al happily smiled at him and stepped next to where he was sitting . " Guess what " . Ed blinked a few times , he was curious , Al seemed happy about something .

" What is it ? " he raised his eyebrow and leaned the book on his lap . " The nurse told me that they will release me soon ! " . " Really ? that's wonderful " Ed said in a gaily he didn't feel . " Yeah ! I can't wait to meet Winry and Pinako " the sandy haird teen smiled. Ed didn't really listen , he nodded anyway . " I'm going to ask her more about that , I want to know when it'll happen " . The teen disappeard behind the door at the same speed he had walked into the room .

Ed sighed and lifted his book . He tried to read but he couldn't concentrate anymore . The thoughts were running in his mind so fast he couldn't read anymore . He just wanted to lie down and think . Think about Al , the military .. his life ..

He needs to quit the military , he wanted to , but something help him still . He felt so out of control . Something was smashing his self confidence into pieces , only if he knew what was it that makes him feel that way ...

Ed glanced around the room , it was quiet boring . He stood up and walked around the room to find something to do , .He searched in the chest of drawres , There were a few books that he had brought for Al a few days ago , a few pieces of paper , a pen , and a little yellow box .

The box was catching his eyes most than anything else . The blond reached his hand and caught it between his fingers . He looked at the title that was written in dark purple color ' _Sleeping pills ? '_ he curiosity thought to himself .Without thinking twice he stuffed the box into his pocked .

It may help him...

* * *

" I think it's impossible , Fullmetal " Roy shook his head in disagree . " I want to leave " the teen folded his arms in stubbornness . Ed was stubborn usually , but he also was exhausted . He just wanted that Mustang will sign up his papers so he would be able to give his watch back and get the hell out of here .Roy sighed heavily , he folded his arms and gazed to the golden orbs " You see Ed , this process takes time , it may take a week or two " . 

Ed frowned deeply " why does it takes so long ? " he growled . " I have no idea , beside , the military doesn't want to lose a talented soldier like you Fullmetal ". Ed clenched his fists , he thought he might explode if he won't take it out " I also didn't want to lose Al's body ! i didn't want to lose those two fucking limbs ! i didn't ask my mother to die ! I never asked my mother to give birth to me so i could screw my younger brother's life ! have you ever seen me making a big deal of loosing all that?! "

All he could do right now is to stand there , he was shocked of himself . He hadn't seen that coming , he couldn't control himself anymore . It scared him to death . Roy slowly whispered " Fullmetal ... ?" the teen was emotionally dying infront of him , he didn't notice it till now.

" I ... I think i'll take a short nap " he stuttered and slowly stepped to the door direction . " Fullmetal wait " the man ordered . " I'll see what i can do " Roy gently smiled . " Can you do it in three days ? " the teen asked in disappointment, he already knew the answer . " I want to visit Risembool with Al , i don't want to let him travle alone... " .

" Unfortunately no .. it may takes more than a week .. but I can always send someone with him , if you don't mind . And I thnik that Armstrong will be the right guy " .

" Well ... fine with me " Ed forced a smile on his face , it was good enough . " Now , you should go to sleep Fullmetal . Tomorrow morning , I want to see you in my office at nine o'clock .

With one last nod he stepped out of the door . That's it . When he finish it all he'll be free .

* * *

" Brother when do you think you'll come ? " Al asked with excitement in his voice . It is his first time visiting Risembool since he had gotten his body , he couldn't wait to get there . " I hope to be there as soon as i can " the blond answered silently . 

They both were gazing timidly in each other's eyes waiting for the other to say anything . " A- " Ed whispered but he was cut by the conductor " All aboard ! " he could hear a old man's voice calling .

" Well i guess this is good-bye for now " Al said in a bit sad way that made Ed feel cramps in his stomach . The last think that he needed right now , was to see Al sad . " Don't worry " the blond comforted his younger brother . " I'll try to get there as soon as I can "he promised . With a light pat on Al's hand he let the train leave the platform .

He wanted to run after the train and to beg Al to stay with him . Even if he didn't fight the urge it still was impossible .

" Bye , see ya ! " the sandy haired teen waved to him and sat back on his seat .

" Farwell ... " Ed whispered . He turned his back completely from the train , then left the station .

* * *

"Al " Ed whimpered , his body was shaking .Aain he shouted " Al !! " . Ones again he had woken up by his own screams .. it had been the forth night in a road . He couldn't sleep . He tried , but when he fell asleep he had a terrible nightmare , this nightmare just won't leave him alone . He dreamt about Al who was taken away from him again , but this time he didn't make it on time ... did it mean anything ?... 

He glanced atound , nobody was there , he was all alone , panic and anxiety were mixed up in his mind . He was worrying for nothing , Al was safe ! he knew it . But couldn't help but feel like he wasn't safe .

A cold sweat was dribbling down his forehead , his body was hot yet He just so sick . It felt like his stomach was flipping around inside of him , a dull sound was echoing inside of his head . He fucking couldn't take this anymore ! .

Ed searched his coat in the pile of closths the side of the room . He wanted look at his pockets for something he didn't even care what.sudenly his hand met a 'box?'. Ed slowly grabbed it , he took his hand out of the pocket and gazed at it . he forgot all about it .Those were the sleeping pills that he had found on the chest of drawers.

Nervousness flashed his body but he decided .He searched for a kinfe , a piece of paper and a pen .

It was about time to end it all .

* * *

think i might take two .. no .. three days off ..." 

There was a Silence between the two , both thinking about the next thing to say.Lieutenant Hawkeye broke the silence " That reminds me , I also was about to ask you for a few days off . And i need someone to take care of Black Hayare while I'm gone ".

' That won't be a problem " he nodded . " I got your clue , I'll take care of him , for how long ? three days , a week ? " . Roy raised his eyebrows .

" Yes a week " ...

They kept on walking at the darken street till they got to Hawkeye's place " would you like to drink something hot ? " she suggested " it's quiet freezing outside " . " No , thank you " he shook his head " I'll just go home " the only thing he could think about right now was to drop into his bed and to sleep in it , forever , if he just could .

" Okay" she smiled a bit .

" Good night colonel , take care of yourself " she said worriedly . " You too lieutenant , good night " , Roy quickly turned around to walk away . He waved at her with his right hand " See you tomorrow ! " he said loudly enough for her to hear . She waited for his figure to disappear from her sight , then she closed the door shut and sighed

' _Just take care of yourself '_

* * *

Ed's vision was so damn blurry , he barely could see ten inches infront of him , the earth wobbled beneath him . He felt a strong urge to throw up , but something inside him tight . It was like a nightmare , he felt so bad . 

He couldn't remember right now how many pills he had taken , he had lost the count at the seventh ? ninth pill ? he even couldn't remember that .Ed gazed at the sharp knife that lied next to him .A control , a little control in his arm, that was the only thing he needed to hold this knife.

He thought about cuttiing himself with his automail , he decided against it . Right now he was too tired to use his alchemy . Beside a knife could do it as good as the automail .

Ed slowly grabbed the knife , he was nervouss , he couldn't deny it . But if he won't do it right now ...before he'd regret it ... Ed firmly stabbed his palm , slowly dragging the blade on his skin . The knife invaded deeper with every drag on his arm . He stayed that way a few seconds , it hurt , but , if he didn't take those pilles before the pain could've been worse .He slowly took out the knife out of his skin , a thick dark blood was trickling down the blade . He wasn't aware to how deep it was digging in his skin , was he that numb ? . He didn't care about it anyway , he wanted to end it for good .

He didn't know if blood was dribbilng way too fast from his hand , or was it only his imagination ? he groaned and let his head fall down . His body felt so warm yet so cold , if he had to describe that feeling ...

It was terrible , he can't take his steps back . He did that , he coudn't regret and he didn't want to .

_'it doesn't matter right now '_

Whimpering a bit , he brought the knife next to his leg , he let the blade travel down his leg , leaving a leaking red strip after it . It didn't hurt him anymore , he was absolutely numb .

A puddle of blood was surrounding his body '_ it won't be so hard to clean the blood from the floor '_ he thought , he was careless at this moments , probablly from the pills .

Tears were swiftly escaping from his eyes , without any reason , he didn't feel sad anymore. The world will be a better place without him , Al doesn't need him , Al's life would be alot better without him .

* * *

Roy hadn't realized that he was walking to the direction of the hotel Ed was staying at while he was waiting for his papers . It wasn't like he decided to go there , his legs were automatically leading him to this spot. 

_" I also didn't want to lose Al's body ! i didn't want to lose those two fucking limbs ! i didn't ask my mother to die ! I never asked my mother to give birth to me so i could screw my younger brother's life ! have you ever seen me making a big deal of loosing all that?! "_

Those words burned painfully into Roy's mind . Those were only words ,but, does Ed really feels that way ? . There was huge different at his behavior latly , for some odd reason . Roy couldn't even put his finger on it ..

He guessed the teen felt lack of love , lack of care . But why ? . Ed's life were hard , he had lost so many things , he had to compete so many . But still , those things didn't effect him before , it was something that was happening to him latly .

Roy sighed heavily , he would pay him a visit .

* * *

The man walked down the hallway . He looked right and left , it wasn't so hard to find Ed's room . The counter gave him that note .. Roy shoved his hands into his pocket it was room no. 57 . He found it after a few second . The man gently knocked on the wooden door .. ' _no response_ ' he breathed slowly , it has become so Ed likely not to answer anymore . 

He knocked ones again , but again the teen didn't answer . ' _Well' _. He slowly spun the door knub , " Ed you there ? he whispered . ' _of course he's there , the door is unlocked '_ . The room was dark ' _he probably fell asleep , it isn't good that he forgot to lock the door..'_

Roy slowly walked to the bed , but nobody was sleeping on it . " Ed ? " he glanced around , he could recognize a person figure sitting on the floor next to the wall , his heart slightly jumped , he didn't expect to fins Ed sitting on the floor like that .

"Fullmetal ? why are you lying on the floor like tha-" Roy felt panic flashing him down his spine when he saw Ed's image more clearly "..dear god .. Ed !!" . Ed was just sitting there unconscious . His body was warm and his eyes were slightly opened . But the glare in them was gone ...

" Ed what happened to you ?! " the man shouted , he roughly shook Ed who didn't reply " Ed ! talk to me Fullmetal ! " .

_'Shit he's loosing blood fast '_ !

Roy stood up , turned on the light and quickly grabbed the phone . The situation was creepy for him , yet he forced himself to dial . He won't let him die like that .

"Hawkeye is speaking , who is it ? " she said formally.

" Lieutenant ! quick order an ambulance ! " he breathly ordered on her.

"Colonel , did something happen ? " worried flashed her voice .

" There is no time for questions , order an ambulance to the hotel where Ed's staying , room no.57 , you know what i'm talking about ,right ?" .

"Yes " she nodded . " Do it quickly ! i'm counting on you "

" Okay " she was nervous , did something happen to the colonel , maybe to Ed ?

with one last assure he hanged up the phone .

The only thing he could do right now was to wait .

* * *

Hehe .. wasn't it fast :) ... 

next chapter will be up soon


	3. Chapter 3 : silent screamerz

**warnings : **

language, self torture sexual scenes

In this story i want to exhibit the issue of committing a suicide . Some might not take this as a serious issue . I hope somehow trough this story people could undarstand the pain and the hopelessness of those people who commit suicide . When people get to this condition everybody they know should help them.

i absolutely have no desire or intention to hurt anybody -if you feel uncomfortable while reading it please stop reading this story.

I almost forgot to add : I want to show how it could effect the people around , not only the person who attemps it.

**A sholder to cry on **

**chapter three**

**Silent screamers**

* * *

It didn't take long for the medic to come , but it did feel like that . All this time Roy was hopeless , he forcefully tried to keep him awake . When he realized that he lost too much blood , and the tempature of Ed's body seemed to get cooler . Without hesitaiting , Roy quickly took off his military jacked and wrapped it around the tiny body . 

It could warm him and also be like a bandage for now . Roy glanced to his sides . Next to Ed there was a yellow box , something was werriten in dark purple . He reached his hand to it , he brought it to the high of his face to read the title ' _sleeping pills ? '_

Nervousness filled him , could it be ? . He bent a little bit , then crawled to Ed's left , where he could see a knife and a blood stained piece of paper . He slowly grabbed the piece of paper between his fingers , trying not to tear it apart since it was so wet .

_'"Al , it feels like i'm loosing my self control ._

_I could've not done that , but it'll hurt more _

_to keep it inside , without doing anything about that ._

_i'm counting on you to take care of Winry and Pinako _

_and of course yourself ,_

_When i'm gone ..._

_I love you little brother _

_Farewell ."_

Those words were echoing in Roy's head , the sound of echo sounded just like as Edward himself was reading it from the paper . Ed didn't write alot , nor expressed any special feeling but love that also was written dully . But those words along with the box of pills were enough for Roy to understand that nobody did this to him. He was committing a suicide .

Only the thought about it made him feel shivers down his body , Ed was so young , he used to smile , but now the fire in his eyes was turned off , and...

Sudenly the sound of a door getting burst met his ears "Colonel !" a feminine voice was calling from the other side of the room " Are you okay ? " Riza stepped a few steps to the Colonel's spot who was standing almost numb . " What happened in here ?" she asked , trying to control the panic in her voice .

With shaking hands , Roy handed her the letter that was crampy and dried till now . She quickly scanned what was werriten on in . Her eyes got wider with every line they followed .

"Did he ? " her voice shook in nervousness . The man automatically nodded . The dim look at Ed's orbs gave made her feel shivers all over her body . She carfully stepped forward to try to talk to him . " It won't help , I tried " the man said in a lifeless tone .

She quietly cleared her throat " The madic told me they will get here as soo as they can ".

" Colonel , go rest at home . I'll take care of everything else " she nicely said and patted his shoulder in comfort " Everything will be allright you'll see ". He nodded but waited with her fir the medics to come .

"I'll call you when he wakes up , I'll fill the forms . You should just go and take a nap ." she reassuringly said , then left the room with the medics .

Roy stood there , froze ,he didn't know for how long . A cold sweat was trickling down his face and the back of his neck . It wasn't his fault , the voice of reason was screaming this in his mind . But in his heart , in his heart he felt a dull coldness that was spreading sowly down his body . He tried to be listen to the voice in his head , but the heart was stronger .

It was always like that . It was a law, it doesn't matter how strong the voice of reason was in vs battle the heart always was winning .

He should leave now , to tell the hotel owners what this racket was all about . After checking the room to see he didn't leave anything that was belong to Ed behind , he steeped outside , and with one last glance to his sides , gently closed the door shut .

* * *

"Ring .. riing " Roy slowly turned on his back , he was so tired when he got home that he didn't even change into his pyjama . He drowned right into the couch in the living room . Using his thumb ,he opened the lid of his pocket watch .. 7:52 am.. 

''Damn phone ! " he swore and quickly ran to catch it , but it didn't ring anymore . " Shit . Ring damnit ! " . A last than a second has passed and the phone did as it was ordered .

" Mustang speaking " he said in a deep stressed voice .

" Colonel ? .. are you allright " a feminine voice asked .

" Lieutenant ? .." he said automatically , there was a pause . Then he realized that she probably called him to report about Edward . " Did he wake up ?!" it all came into his mind at ones as he's shouting fearfully . By her tone it didn't sound like something good was happening.

"Yes sir , he did . Could you please come as soon as you can ?"

" Yes of course lieutenant , i'll be there soon " .

After taking a short shower , brushing his teeth , and wearing the first shirt , and pair of pants he could find in his closet , he ran down the hallway , leaving a dim light in his room , he didn't even know for what ,probably because he was in hurry ...

He quickly locked the door , then gathered up speed and walked . The hospital was pretty close to his apartment , he was thankful for that , at least that was what he felt . What could he say to Ed ? what does Riza thinks about it ... he hoped she didn't say anything to Alphonse ..

He stood up infront of the huge, glass , door . Roy slowly took a deep breath , then released it as alowly as it was taken . It was hard to see the teen that way , he hoped it won't be as hard to see him right now .

* * *

" Hello , could you please tell me where i could find Edward Elric's room ?" he leaned his elbow on the counter , waiting for an answer. 

" Room no. 37 , second " she said kindely , and smiled at him widely .

"Thank you " he said , returning her a force smile , it was almost obvious that it was fake .

-

Roy climbed up the stairs , his heart was racing in his chest , as he got closer it was harder. When he got to the second floor he glanced around , about ten meters from his spot there were two women , one of them was Hawkeye .

"Good morning lieutenant " he said formally and stood beside them . " Good morning colonel " she replied , not sounding too happy . "I was about to explain his condition , colonel sir ". she said seriously as she's looking down to the hugged forms in her arms.

"Okay " he nodded , then folded his arms in impatience .

"The amount of pills that he was taking didn't effect him so badly . Yet the loosing of blood is almost drastic . Plus , he needs to clean his wounds two times a day , so there won't be any risk for infection .Of course the hospital provided it . I may suggest treatments of psychologist when he will be released ." I see " he mumbled and gazed at Riza who was gazing at him back , he could tell she was kind of nervous and tired .

" You can see him now " she gently tapped with her finger tips on the door , letting it slightly open she said " I think he's sleeping , so try to wake him up gently " then she moved out of their way .

The man slowly stepped into the room , fear was filling his heart almost to the fullest . He hoped that Ed was sleeping so he could check on him if he was allright , he wasn't so sure if he could bring himself to talk to the teen.

"Sir .." she whispered worriedly . " Lieutenant , could you please leave us alone for a little while , if you don't mind ? . His tone was calm , but his eyes were holding panic and pain .

" Yes sir " she nodded , she slowly stepped to the door , but before she left she whispered , loud enough for Mustang to hear " Don't be too harsh on him " .Roy watched her as she left the room , then gazed back to Ed . " Fullmetal ?" . The teen made no response , he was somehow emotionally numb .

"Ed , why did you do that ? " the dark man asked as he's bringing himself to sit down on the chair next to the bed . The teen only whimpered , his head bowed down as he's clenching his fists . The blood was rushing into Roy's head . Since the day he had lost Hughes he promissed to himself that he won't lose someone from his unit so fast , especially not from suicide .

Ed was his subordinate , he had seen him everyday . Why couldn't he see that the teen was suffering that much ?! he was infront of his eyes , it was so obvious . Right now he was angry , he was angry on himself for not seeing that coming ' I'm so stupid ... _I had to pay more attention to his behavior ...'_ .

Even when he saw him that way , he had never thought this may happen .

It seemed like the time was'nt moving . They sat that way without moving for a long time , Roy couldn't take this silent anymore . He swiftly stood up , he grabbed Ed's automail arm and roared " Did you lose your fucking mind ?! did you really think it was the right decision ?! you reckless idiot ! " . He let go of the teen's arm , a shame was filling his body , it was'nt way how you treat someone in need . He shouldn't have yelled on him , after all he was mad only at himself .But now he could'nt take those words back to himself .

A sob broke from Ed's mouth . His eyes were opened wide , a shock and pain mixed up in them . " I ... I d don't " he stuttered fearfully .The words were swallowed by his slightly chocking throat as he's trying forcefully to talk . It scared him , his own reply scared him . ' _Look what you did you idiot , you can't handle it right ' _the man teased himself . " Ed " he sighed , then sat back on the seat .

" I'm sorry ,could you please tell me why did you do that to yourself ?" the man gently raised Ed's chin . The teen's golden orbs swam in unshed tears . It was hard to see him that way , he'd never was broken like that before .

Roy touched the dull metal of Ed's automail " Ed you know what sorrow is ..." .There was a pause " This automail is the result of a deep sorrow , your attempt of suicide was also the result of a endless sorrow " .

When Ed had finely gathred the courage to say anything it wasn't the answer Roy was expecting for " Why ? ... why didn't you respect my decision ? .. i wanted to end it all , why didn't you let me ? " he whispered , his words were drowning in pain.

Those words were burning deeply into his mind . He didn't expect Ed to thank him , but also didn't expect him to see him in this kind of light . " Think about Al .. he won't be able to live without you " he tried to be the voice of reason , but faild .

Ed tightened his fists and stared hatfully to the man " Why didn't you just let me die ?! " he screamed almost silently with all the strength he could gather . He tried to convince himself that he couldn't scream so loud because his throat was dry , but deep inside he knew that he was stopping himself from screaming at the man .

He wanted to hate him so much , after all it was all Mustang fault that he wasn't dead right now . But he couldn't .It was hard to hate him .

" I did it because .. I " he stopped , there was no way he could translate this feeling into words " I felt like nobody cares .It was like i'm alone " he gasped for more air . " If you were loosing me it wasn't that big of a deal ! you could write on your report that i died of sickness , nobody needs to know about that " he whimpered . " I felt like nobo- " he didn't have a chance to finish the sentenc because of the colonel who was cutting him right away " I care ! " he yelled loudly .

Silence filled the room , Roy didn't mean it to come out that way . Ed didn't even dare to think about that . He never thought that he'll hear that from someone , especially not from Mustang . They both were shocked from the man's angry react .

"We all care about you , Fullmetal , Think about it "

Mustang stood up and walked to the door's direction . He stood next to the door for almost a minute " Think about the people who care about you , they don't deseerve it" . He opened the door ,and, with one last glance over his shoulder , left .

* * *

' _Shit !_ ' the teen swore and hit with his automail fist against the mattress. Finely when he gathred the courage to do that , this jerk Mustang came in and saved him , he never asked him to do that ! . It wasn't fair , he wanted to end it , he wanted to die , he wanted to hate the colonel , but he couldn't . It was too hard , and it was getting harder as every second passes. 

He blamed himself for everything . It always was easier to blame somebody else , but right now he blamed himself for everything . If he had noticed it before it was too late , Nina ( 1 ) would still be alive . If he didn't draw Alphonse to perform this humen transformation , then he didn't have to live six countless years inside this cold piece of armor . If he had'nt done that ( 2 ) Hughes would still be alive...

It was all so unfair ! he should've been dead right now , Nina and Hughes they deserved to live . All he lost by his own sin were arm and leg , those were nothing compare to Alphonse's , Nina , and Hughes and his family's losts .

Even the damn colonel lost his best friend , thanks to his recklessness . _' All those people .. they lost everything , thanks to my mistake .' _he thought miserably .

Even at this , he was controlled by others.

* * *

"Al , Mr. Armstrong, dinner is ready !" the blond gaily smiled . " Come in you two , you seem exhausted " . She turned her back and walked inside . Al and Armstrong spent the afternoon on tarinings . It wasn't the same without Ed .. 

But his brother had to stay in Central , for now .

When they stepped inside the smells of cakes filled their noses . Pinako quikcly ordered " Al go wash your hands " . Just like as if he was a soldier himself , he did as was bid . Al ran down the hallway leaving both Pinako and the major alone .

The old women took a deep breath , then sighed . " Major , you had a call from the colonel , Mustang .. is it his name ? . He sounded worry , i suggested to give you his messege for you when you come back but he refused hardly . He said it is a military business , and he would like to talk to you when you come back. " she paused and gave him a suspecting look .

The big man raised his hand and rubbed it against his chin " Well , if he says so .." he walked towards the phone , then he held it and dialed . " I'll be waiting for you at the table with Al and Winry " she turned her back and left .

It took about six rings before there was an answer at the other line .

" Hello ?" a voice said vaguely .

" Colonel Mustang , this is Major Armstrong speaking " he said in his daily tone. " Major .." Mustang stopped his lips were slightly shaking . " Ed .. Edward Elric . Fullmetal , he .. he committed a suicide two days ago " the man stuttered .

"What ?! " the big man said ,shock mixed in his voice " How did it happened ? " . A deep sighed was sounded from the other side of the line " We don't know what drew him to do that . Iv'e been talking to him but he asked me why i didn't let him just die .. " .

" I see " Armstrong seriously said . " I need you to keep an eye on Alphonse , don't let him know about that ." Mustang said in a voice that was slightly warning .

" I will " he nodded even though the colonel wasn't able to see him.

" Thank you for your supporting major . I'll give you a call when I find anything new about his condition that you should be reported."

Roy slowly hanged up , the first thing he'll do in the morning is to visit the teen ...

* * *

"Good morning Fullmetal , i brought you some food " the dark haired man said , trying to sound happy . The teen was lying on the bad , his head resting on his automail arm . He was pale , but right now it wasn't so bad . His face were'nt as pale as the face of the deads anymore . "Go away " the blond growled and turned his back to Mustang . " Ed .. " Roy sighed .. he really didn't want Ed to be that way . He somehow felt guilty . 

He slowly walked over to the bed . Ed felt his body shaking with every step his ears met , he didn't hate the man nor was afraid of him , but he was afraid . He was afraid of handling his own answers , the colonel probably will ask him again about it , and right now he didn't have an answer . Ed sudenly felt two hands , sneaking beneath his armpit and then setting him into a sitting position . The teen was giving the man a ' look ' , then he closed his eyes shut and turned his head away .

"At least eat it " Roy felt the blood rushing from his heart , to anywhere in his body, but the head , he was so damn tired. He had no time to play that game . "I'm not hungry " the blond stated it , then folded his arms tightly in effort to strengthen his statement .

Roy took a deep breath and gazed at him " Fullmetal , you're going to eat this , if you want it , or not " . Roy took a sandwich out of the bag , forcefully trying to push it into the teen's mouth who was refusing with all his strength " I told you ! I'm not hungry" Ed roughly shook his head . He tried to get rid of the man's hand with no success .

Ed started to feel a bit sick to his stomach , he was suffering of nauseas and headache since he got to the hospital . But right now it was worse . The urge to throw up was climbing up his stomach ,and cramps were attacking his tummy " Please take it away , I'm going to be sick " he begged but the man paid it no mind .

"I mean it ! please I "

Finely the urge became into an action . Unable to keep it inside anymore, he threw up both on the colonel and himself . Roy sat on his seat , almost speechless , with a look that Ed had never seen before , in man's eyes . Ed couldn't recognize disgust in the man's eyes , nor anger , what was that ? . He grabbed the parts on the blanket that were'nt covered by vomitus, then wiped the man's face and clothes " I...I 'm sorry " he knotted his eye brows in a way that showed that he didn't mean it to end up that way .

"That's fine" Mustang mumbled and slowly put his palm over Ed's and lowered it . " I belive it was my fault " he said calmly , then smiled gently .

" Really I .." Ed couldn't say the rest .

"That's fine " the man nodded " I'll call the nurse to change your shits , you also need to take a shower " . Without looking to the teen's face , Roy swiftly walked out of the room .

Ed slowly lowerd his hand . The man was'nt angry with him , but how , and what was that look in his eyes anyway ? . It did seem like the man was worried sick to him , but could it really be ?

This question can wait for sometime else ...

* * *

First of all i want to thank you for reading this story :) 

By this chapter i'm trying to show people that attempting can effect the people around . Roy blaming himself for lack of attention , and Ed blaming himself for things that happened to him that he could've prevented ,are part of the problem .

1) Nina - episodes 6-7 Tucker's daughter.

2) Hughes dies because he was helping to Ed ..


	4. Chapter 4 : miss understood

**warnings :**

**language, self torture, sexual scenes**

In this story i want to exhibit the issue of committing a suicide . Some might not take this as a serious issue . I hope somehow trough this story people could undarstand the pain and the hopelessness of those people who commit suicide . When people get to this condition everybody they know should help them.

i absolutely have no desire or intention to hurt anybody -if you feel uncomfortable while reading it please stop reading this story.

**A sholder to cry on **

**chapter four**

**(Miss) understood**

* * *

" Good morning Alphonse " the blond greeted the sandy hair teen as she's removing the curtain from the window . Sun rays were slightly sneaking into the room , giving it life . Al rubbed his eyes , then rolled to his side in effort to escape the rays that were burning his eyes. 

"Good morning winry " he mumbled and got up on his feet . " How was your sleep ?" she quickly opened the window to let air in the room . " Pretty good .. I guess " he yawned . "Well , I'm pretty sure it was . You've been sleeping forever " she smiled to him , then she let her sight wander over the lawn . She liked to wake up at the morning that way . To smell the lawn and the dew that was mixed with the flowers smell . The sight of the sunrise in the horizon that showed that a new day that was on it's way , those simple things always made her feel good .

"Breakfest is almost ready , when you finish to do everything just come down " . The teen slightly nodded in a sleepy way. She gave him one last smile before leaving the room .

Alphonse scratched his scalp , then he released a deep breath . He have'nt seen Ed for almost week .. he hoped that he was allright . He speak with him since the day the were at the train station ..

But didn't armstrong speak with Mustang four days ago , he didn't seem so happy , actually he seemes worried about something . There was a feeling of something bad in the air , but Alphonse couldn't seem to find out . What was this feeling ?..

* * *

" Your name is Edward Elric , am I right ? " the old man asked and set his glasses . " Yes " the teen murmured then folded his arms in impatience. " Would you like to tell me about your past Edward ? " the man asked , almost coldely . " No , i don't " he said stubbornly , signs of anger appeared on his face . 

They had no right to do this to him . He did not need a psychiatrist . When he attempt the suicide he knew exactly what he wanted . " I don't need a psychiatrist " he yelled angrily and slammep his automail fist against the little desk that was next to the bed .

" Very well " the man stood up , then walked to the door direction . He whispered something to the nurse that stood under the lintel , she nodded , then stepped out to the hallway . She was the nurse that was taking care of him since he got here .

The man stuffed his hands into his white robe . He raised his eyebrows in a way that showed disrespect on the man's face , which made Ed feel worse . He let out a sigh , then he turned around and walked out of the room .

Ed didn't know for how long he was waiting for the person that was called by the nurse , he didn't even know who she was calling . When he heard two familiar voices he brought his knees closer to his chest.

He thought they might have called someone from the hospital staff , but those were Hawkeye and the ' _Damn colonel !' . _Ed clenched his fist tighter , he had enough from Mustang for this damn week .

They whispered something about having a conversation with him . He didn't need to have a talk with anybody ! ' _I'm fine '_ he screamed inside of his head '_ I don't need anybody , I can be alone , I should be alone'_ .

He burried his head into his knees , the thoughts that were running in circles inside of his head stopped at the moment he heard steps . He slightly raised his head , only his eyes were peeking . Both the lieutenant and the colonel stood there . The lieutenant seemed worried , but the colonel wore a dull expression that he couldn't translate into word nor feelings .

The lieutenant didn't worry so often . Maybe she did , but wasn't this kind of person . She would never give a stage to those kind of feelings. It was something people should admire her for . She always held tight her self-control . Ed tried to stay cool , but it was too hard . He didn't hide the fact that he was broken , he hid the urge to be cared . Yet was is too much if he'd ask to be alone ?! .

narrowing his eyes , the blond said in a warning voice " If I speak to you , I swear I'll throw up " he gazed hard to Mustang's direction . After saying that he became calm , in a way that scared him . He was'nt supose to be calm , not after saying that , not in this situation .

"Fullmetal " Roy took a few steps forward . " Hell no ! I'm not speaking to you " the blond growled . Roy took a few more but was stopped by Hawkeye . She placed her hand on his shoulder , then whispered " Maybe I should speak to him this time, colonel . If you don't mind " . There was a silence between them , then Mustang bent his head and nodded in agreement .

" Ed " she whispered calmly . She brought her hand behind Ed's back , giving him a few a little pushes on his back " Edward , follow me " she ordered softly . She gripped the teen's palms and slowly raised him up from his frozen sitting posation. Letting his head drop down to look at the floor as he stood up , he followed her . He slowly raised his head when they got out of the room , the reason that he didn't want to raise it was Mustang . He didn't want to meet the man's deep gaze . Ed slowly glanced around . It seemes and felt like agony .

All he waned right now is to run away , not just any run away . He wanted to curl into a ball , to run away from those emotions , to run away from the caring that was trying to reach him . He wanted to be cared , but he couldn't allow it to himself . It wasn't easy , it wasn't easy at all ! ' _Why can't I scream , what the hell is stopping me from doing so ?! _' he was trapped in a place without exit .

" Look out of this step " she said when she saw that he wasn't looking . " Where are we going to ? " he timidly asked . " To the yard " she answerd formally.

" I think that you should breath fresh air ".

* * *

"Where's the colonel , and lieutenant Hawkeye is also missing ..." the tall man said and placed a cigarette into his mouth . Both Fury and Breda shrugged , but Falman looked at the three in confusion . " Didn't you hear ? " he asked as he's placing back a book on the shelf . 

" Hear what ? " Havoc folded his arms and raised his eyebrow . He walked closely to the other man , then he leaned against the huge wooden table . " Ed Elric , he committed a suicide a few days ago " he said , his voice shaking .

Fury's mouth and eyes opened widely as he tried to come up with something to say " Did he ... really ? " his voice cracked at the last word . Breda slightly choked from his coffee. Havoc quickly stabilized himself on his feet " What , you got to be joking ! " he knotted his eyebrows in anger and disbelif . The gray haired man shook his head " I'm afraid I'm right " .

" This idiot ! what the hell did he think to himself ?!" Havoc clenched his teeth angri;y and stared at the man like as he would be the one who give him the answer . Fury sighed and said " Edward did seem a little off the past few weeks . When I've seen him walking down the hallway he seemd to be riled up " .

Breda caughed , then looked at the three " Did he take sleeping pills ? " he asked , angst filled up his voice almost to the fullest . " Yes he did , did you know something about it Breda? " the gray haired man nodded . " How .. How did you know ? " Havoc asked , then cocked his head. He leaned his hands on the desk next to the red haired and waited impatiently to his answer.

"I bumped into him about a week ago , I think it happened right after he spoke to the colonel . a box of sleeping pills dropped down to the floor from his pocket . He was'nt too happy when I asked him what are those pills for . I could also tell that he was nervous . But he forcefully tried to stay calm when he told me that he's using those because it's hard for him to fall asleep " the red haired said , then bent his head " I didn't think he would even considerd doing this thing , I belived him " he suppressing a sigh , he was looking everywhere beside their faces.

Havoc swiftly pushed himself up from the desk , eyes glaring in a upcoming rage . " Where are you going ? "

"To pay him a little visit " .

* * *

Both Riza and Ed walked forward at the yard in attempt to find a bench that wasn't already taken . Riza's eyes caught a bench right under the tree , she grabbed Ed's palm ones again , drawing him to the spot where the bench was placed . She quickly sat down and gazed to the golden orbs , the space inside the orbs seemed to be filled by uncontrolled emptiness and sadness. She gently patted on the room that left on the bench beside her , then ordered softly " Sit " . 

Ed did as he was ordered . He hesitantly sat down , gripping the white hospital pants , he looked down to his shoes and waited . He really needed something to hold right now , the pants probably were his only and best choise .

"Ed " his ears met a whisper , then he felt a soft hand rubbing his back . Hawkeye slowly brought her other hand to Ed's chin , raising it gently up to meet her eyes , she saw unexplainable tears in the blond's eyes .

Only tears were dribbiling down his cheek , the rest of his body was numb . Hawkeye quickly wiped his tears with her sleeve , then asked " And what about Alphonse ?" .

Ed's cocked his head , looking into her eyes in confusion " What about him ? " he whispered . She took a deep breath , then rubbed his real shoulder " He would've been miserable without you " she said .

She somehow accidently pointed it out to Ed that he was selfish , was he ? he felt like that . He didn't want to leave Alphonse, but he didn't want to risk him ones again either .

" He wouldn't " he said in reserved aggression " I'm risking him , I've been risking him for too long , I didn't want to lose him again " he sobbed and leaned his face into his palms .

"Edward " she smiled at him gently " Do you see this pregnent women over there ? " she asked and pointed with her finger the the women's direction . Ed peeked up for a second ,then buried his face into his palms ones again " Yes , I do " he confirmed.

" Why ?... "

"Did you know that this women taking a huge risk ? " she said calmly . "How come ? " he raised his eyebrows questionly . "Did you know that she risks her happiness to gain happiness . Like equivalent exchanges , if you ask me " .

" How come ? " Ed didn't know what was in Hawkeye's mind right now . It didn't seem to make any sense for him, but he sure wanted to know her answer . " risking happiness to gain happiness , do you mean by giving birth ? " he asked . " Not at all " she shook her head and sighed .

" I'm not a mother , Edward . This women will see her baby's growth , she'd see the baby in it's good and bad experiences in it's life . She might lose her baby on day , she might get sick and die . Yet she takes this risk , she knows she might lose her most precious thing in the way , but it doesn't stop her " . " You did the same " .

There was a silence between them , then she reached her arms and surounded the teen's shoulders " You know Ed , the colonel cares about you , alot . I want you to promise me that you'll be nicier to him . It makes him sad , seeing you like that , could you make this promise ? ". " Yeah " he nodded quietly .

She caressed his hair and said " I won't be here soon , I need to go visit somebody . That's why you are in the colonel's custody . We all care alot about you " at this she pulled him closer . Ed felt ones again tears in his eyes . He sobbed and buried his face into her shoulder , there was something in this hug , it reminded him so much his own mother .

"What is it Ed ? " she whispered as she stroked his back . He quikcly pulled himself backwards , Hawkeye seemed to understand the clue and also let go of him . He wiped the tears in his eyes , then let his breath steady before he spoke " No I'm fine ... really , I think I'll go back up to take a nap " .

She warmly smiled at him , then asked

" Will you let me help you ? "

* * *

Havoc walked in the crowded street , quickly grabbing the pack of cigarettes and flicking one into his mouth . As he walked he realize that every drop of anger and angst that was disturbingly beating him up inside, has been slipping away till now . Why did he even was angry at the Ed at the first place ? 

Maybe because he had still seen Edward Elric as the twelve-years old kid that was willing to give up on everything to get his brother's body back ? . that was it , he had still seen Ed as a child . So did everyone . You couldn't help it but think that Ed was younger than fourteen-years old . Thanks to his height , leave alone childish behaivior .

But he wasn't a child anymore , he was already seventeen . Actually it seems like he was never given the chance to be a child , not from the very beggining .

Havoc sighed at the thought . For committing a suicide you needed to be covered under a blanket of sorrow . Ed wasn't the best exmple for someone who could hide his feelings , yet he had done a great job at hiding his intentions. Maybe it wasn't his intention at first , he couldv'e tell Breda the truth ..

Havoc sighed , then let his sight trail over the road .

_'Maybe it wasn't his fault , in only seven-teen years of life , he had passed all that , and he kept it only to himself .._ ' Havoc thought to himself as he gently kicked the floor . He looked around , his eyes caught the sign of the gift shop .

A card with everybody's signature and a get well soon will probably make the teen feel a little more cared ..

* * *

Gah ... I'm so sorry I ended it that way :( .. I'm trying to write at least 15 chapter to this story so I'm stoping it at the most annoying spot lol . Sorry bout that , also the chapter was pretty short this time ...

Since the school year has started the updates of my stories will be ones in three day to a week , I hope to update at least 2 times a week .


	5. Chapter 5 : When a flame dies

**warnings :**

language, self torture sexual scenes

In this story I want to exhibit the issue of committing a suicide . Some might not take this as a serious issue . I hope somehow trough this story people could undarstand the pain and the hopelessness of those people who commit suicide . When people get to this condition everybody they know should help them.

I absolutely have no desire or intention to hurt anybody -if you feel uncomfortable while reading it please stop reading this story.

I almost forgot to add : I want to show how it could effect the people around , not only the person who attemps it.

**A sholder to cry on **

**chapter five**

**When a flame dies**

Lieutanent Jean Havoc walked down the hall ,the sound that his shoes made against the ceramic floor was echoing dully in his mind . He already was in the office , everybody signed their names and greetings inside of the card , now the only thing that left to do was visting Ed .

Breda didn't really know what to write , it seemed like he wasn't very good with words when he was suposed to write them down .He tried to write a decent greeting. Deleting the lame words that came out in his writing, he almost caused a little hole in the card .

Fury's 'get well soon greeting' at the other hand was long and neat , he also added a little drawing of something that looked alot like Black Hayate . And Falman , Falman only wrote ' _Hoping to see you soon , get well soon '_ . Havoc guessed that Falman had the same reason that he himself had . Maybe it was like that because he wanted to say what he has to say face to face when he meets Edward .

It wasn't as easy as he thought it will be when he went to buy the card . At first he was angry , but when the anger faided away , nothing to say was left in his mind .. He already was millified , at least cigarettes did a great job on keeping his nerves calm .

_'But Ed is only seventeen , what the hell could made him attempt a suicide ? ' _he knotted his eyebrown as he stood infront of Ed's room .

At least he could thank god that he wasn't Mustang right now , Ed probably hates him right now . It wasn't as if he cared about the teen's thoughts about him , but he wouldn't stand these hateful glares that Ed was probably shooting at Mustang since the day that he has found him lying down on the floor in his own blood . Havoc knew that the colonel just wasn't the type of person to leave someone behind .

And maybe Roy also cared for Ed because Ed wasn't an adult yet , maybe ...

* * *

Havoc slowly turned the door knob and gave it a light push . He let his right leg in and quietly called " Chief ? you awake ? " . After a few moment of silence he slipped in and softly shut the door behing him . The room was too dark to be able to see anything . Narrowing his eyes in an efford to see anything better he walked carfully forward , he tried very much not to hit anything .

"Who's there?.. " a voice of a man asked , obivously it wasn't Ed . Havoc's heart slightly jumped as he stopped and turned around . He still couldn't see who it was , but by the man's voice he guessed it was the colonel . " You scared the fuck out of me " Havoc growled as he walked to the voice direction . " For a soldier you should be ready for surprise attack in a battle field .. " Mustang replied numbly .

"Sorry for not being ready for this surprise attack of yours in the hospital ! " Havoc shouted angrily but then got cut by the other man ."Shhh " Roy whispered . giving Roy a quizzical look , he crossed his arms and asked " What is it ? " .

"He's sleeping "

"So that's why the room is dark , huh ? " Havoc sighed and uncrossed his arms . Roy nodded but then remembered that Havoc could not see him in the dark , he turned on the little light next to the couch and leaned his elbow on the the little desk next to the lamp .

Havoc stepped closer to the couch and stood up next to it , suffing his hands into his pockets and looking worried , he asked the colonel how Ed had been latly .

" He's not getting any better . I tried to speak to him yet.. " There was a pause . Roy depressly said ,then slightly bent his head surrenderly . "And ? " Havoc made a quick movment that made him feel a little pain in his neck as he looked at the sleeping blond .

"If I try to speak to him he would just ignore .He sits on his bed for hours , not willing to speak anyone else but Hawkeye ..." . " Haw..keye ? " Havoc blinked in disbelief . The women wasn't too tough , yet , even the colonel could show more emotion in one day than Hawkeye in a year . Of course she was strong . But did she also comforted Ed in a way ? That was probably that.

She seemed tough , but had the charm , like magic that could make person say , more like cry everything that bothers , out .

" So ? .. " Havoc raised his eyebrow questionly and looked at the other man that seemed tired and not too happy . " So ? " he repeted , whispering slowly the other's question as if it was his own question . Havoc sighen and sat next to Roy " What will you do with him when they release him ? He can't stay alone . If he would be depressed he would try to do it once again " .

Roy nodded slightly , then gazed away " At first me and lieutenant Hawkeye thought it would be the best if he stays with her , but she needs to visit someone . When she comes back Ed would stay in her custody , but for now he would stay with me ".

" With you ? " Havoc didn't notice that he was repeating on Mustang's answer queitly . He wasn't exactly the one to talk , but the colonels drinking problems were known to everybody that knew him good enough . He wasn't a social drinker , but he used to drink when he felt depress , sadness , stess . Ed in his situation won't make it better .

It would be like a chain . If Ed would act unright , the colonel would drink . If the colonel would drink it may hurt Ed . Havoc burried his face in his palms and rubbed his eyes .

There was a sudden silent sound of springs and shits that were drawn from the othere side of the room . When he lifted his head his eyes found the figure of a sleepy blond sitting on the bed . Still gloomy , Ed set himself on his rear and looked around . Everything was dark and blurry but when he looked to the light direction he could recognize the black hair of Mustang and the brown hair of ..

" Havoc ? " he yawned as he covered himself shyly . " Good afternoon , Chief . How are you today ?" Havoc tried to force a little smile on his face as he stood up and walked to Ed's spot .

"umm .. ah . Fine " Ed lied , it was obvios that he was lying . The mouth would spread lie by itself , but the eyes would extradite his real feeling . After all they were like a mirror that reflected whatever the person felt at the moment .

Havoc slightly frowned but decided to let it go , he won't argue with Ed , not right now . This look in the teen eyes reminded him why he wanted to come here at the first place , to kick the shit out of him till he vow that he won't do it, nor think about killing or cutting himself once again .

Havoc sighed and thought that Edward would be fine with the colonel . Roy Mustang was a grown up , mature , and responsible person . He would handle this issue easily , would he ? . Havoc slightly frowned and when he got next to Ed's bed he stopped and looked down at the teen .

Looking deep into the golden orbs , and focusing , he could see that the fire that was lit in the blonds eyes was no more than a ebbed flame . He shruged gently , then handed Ed his card . Smiling a bit and trying to be gladdening he mumbled " This is something from everybody ... Breda , Fury , Falman , and Me .. " .

Ed blinked a few times before grabbing the big , squere shaped , yellow card in his hands . He looked at the card that was adorned with a drawing of patient on his bad and a little gray cat was sleeping on his lap . Havoc gazed at Mustang that wass dully staring at the ceiling , then back to Ed that seemed to be speechless . With a quiet amusement tone he said " Well Al likes cat , doesn't he ? " he asked , even though the answer as obvious .

"Yeah " Ed whispered as he's putting the card next to his bad on the chest of drawres . " Thank you " he smiled at the taller man that was taking a few steps backwards " No problem Chief . I should get back to work.We all gonna see you after you get released from the hospital " .

Ed slowly nodded , then Havoc gave him a lazy salute and walked next to Mustang " I'm going back to work , if there's a problem with him just call the office " Havoc whispered seriously . " I'll be allright " Roy replied and gazed to the floor .

"See you later colonel " He sighed and with that , he stepped out of the room to the hallway and closed the door shut behind him .

* * *

Riza Hawkeye gently put a pile clothes on her bed . She breathed heavily as she opened her suitcase . She stuffed her shirts in the left site , then put the pants and skirts in the other side . Right now it was late at night , but she had to finish everything before she leaves to the train station tomorrow morning . 

After locking it and tying a red ribbon on the knob (1) she walked over her desk , searching for a pen and a piece paper , she turned around to see Black Hayate .Scratching the wooden door in an efford to open it , he made a sound of kneening , then surended hopelessly and let his little soft claws down on the parquet floor .

Riza Sighed as she stepped to the where the black dog was sitting defeted on its hes rear . When Black Hayate noticed her coming , he quickly got on his paws and waged his tail cheerfully . A bark met her hears when she was close enough to reach her hand to the door knob . She slightly opened the door , looking down at the dog she ordered gently " Do it fast , and come back " . She opened the door wide enough for the dog to get out and left it slightly open for him to come back .

When she stepped back to her desk she quickly took out a piece of paper and a pen from the drawer . She numbly stood next to the desk . Thinking of how she would write the instruction of how to take care of Black Hayate while she's gone , for the colonel .

She brought her hand to the paper . Drawing the pen up and down the paper she thought . Ed could be allright with the colonel , if he won't drink that would be better , there was a pause , she wrote in a small font on the side of the paper ' _Do not drink_ ' . of course the colonel's rank was higher than a lieutanent . But as friends she could tell him to forget about alcohol while Edward stays with him .

In a bigger font she started to write the list of tesks ..

_Feed him once a day . Seventy five kilograms of a dry dog food . You'd find the bag of food in the white basket box next to his bowls. Give him a treat once in a few days , don't give him way too much ._

_Take him for a walk once a day. At friday , saturday and sunday take him for a walk also in the morning . At the rest take him only at the evening . _

_You'd find the leash on the hanger behind the door ( on the hanger ) ._

_Take care of your self and Edward_ .

_Thank you for your help . Riza Hawkeye._

After finishing writing she folded the paper . She leaned the paper in a neat way on her desk. Folding her arms she walked to the door and waited . Black Hayate hasn't come back ye..

A moment before she could finish this thought the tiny dog ran gaily into the room . After leaving a few marks of paws on the parquet he sat down and gazed at her with his tounge out panting .

" You're lucky I'm leaving tomorrow for a week " She smiled at him and closed the door shut .

* * *

" Did you hear any news from Central , major ? " Al asked curiously , then frowned deeply when his question hasn't been answered . Putting down the mug of coffee on the desk , major Armstrong smiled at the sandy haired teen and said " No , I didn't hear something new . Altough your brother is allright ". 

" Could I speak with him soon ? " Al raised his eyebrow and waited impatiently for this question to be answered .He wasn't stupid , he knew it when something that wasn't right was going on .

" I afraid it won't be easy Alphonse " Armstrong alightly shook his head and picked the mug from its place on the table .

Something was wrong , Al couldn't put his finger on it , yet he had the feeling that the major was hiding something from him . Maybe he should just wait . The major would have to tell him eventually .

" What did the colonel say about my brother ? " he gazed deeply into the other man's orbs and clenched his fists on the table . Almost like Ed , Al had the stubborn look in his eyes , not as executable as Ed's . But that look was enough for major Armstrog .

He couldn't tell Al what happened no matter how much he wanted . He wasn't allowed . he took of his shirt and with a challengin look in his eyes he said , half grinning , half mocking ..

" Lets see if you can win without your armor ".

* * *

Why did I finish it here? so I'll be able to write more and cor chapters , lol . I want to write alot to this story and if I end the chapter that way it leaves more room for the next chapter . 

1) People usually tie a little ribbon on their suircase before flights , drive , etc.

I'm so sorry for the late update !!Gawd damnit I hate school ...


	6. Chapter 6 : Will

**warnings :**

**language, self torture, sexual scenes**

In this story i want to exhibit the issue of committing a suicide . Some might not take this as a serious issue . I hope somehow trough this story people could undarstand the pain and the hopelessness of those people who commit suicide . When people get to this condition everybody they know should help them.

i absolutely have no desire or intention to hurt anybody -if you feel uncomfortable while reading it please stop reading this story.

**A sholder to cry on **

**chapter six**

**Will**

* * *

Roy Mustang walked down the hall .It was a sunny day that just seemed to get better and better with every moment passes by .The clear blue sky , the dazzling sight of bloom , the warm sun ... and the phone call that he got this morning . 

The phone call that made those everyday life details, seen in such a bright light . Ed was okay , the nurse said he seemed happier this morning when they said it's his last day in the hospital . Roy just had to sign the forms , then Ed would be able to get out in no time .

Maybe today he would see a smile on his face , maybe . He himself didn't like the hospital , he didn't like to visit there and especially despite being a patient . But he knew that Edward abhorred the hospital . He couldv'e seen that in his deep golden eyes while waiting for Alphonse to wake up at the time... But most he could see that when Ed had to fill the place on the bed .

Being useless , not able to help Ed when his eyes insanity screamed for help made Roy himself feel unesy . He tried a few times a day , then the day after . But the teen was stubborn . He wished he could know , did Ed really feel so lonely and sickly weak that made him that bitter ? It could be also escaping from kindness , after all he lost so much and it seemed like his haunting memories came back at once and cause all that .

At night he would hear him sometimes whispering " Alphons " so many times , the sandy haired teen's name was mentioned alot , the sound was echoing in his head .

Roy released a sigh and stopped or a moment to look outside of the window . He scratched his scalf and looked around . '_Well'_ He thought to himself , his expressionless eyes gazed to the yard where people quieckly walked back and forth .

He could hope that he'd buy himself some time when Ed stays with him , he had a strong will to help him , and he woud do anything to show the teen that he could trust him and tell him whenever he needed help . He would show him that when he needs a shoulder to cry on he would be next to him.

Roy roughly shook his head and started to play with Hawkeye's keys inside of his pocket . He still wondered what was making him so worry about Ed , yes , he did worry for him , but right now , it was different , in some kind of irritation way it was different , it somehow bugged him .

Once again he shook his head and kept on walking . Right now the thing that matteres was to release Ed from the hospital and to make him somehow talk .

* * *

Riza Hawkeye quickly stepped forward at the train station . He train supose to leave at one forthy five . She swiftly brought her arm up and gazed at the silver watch she wore . The times was one twenty seven , she had enough time . 

She released a deep breath and sighed . The night before she aimed her clock five minutes forward so she won't be late , she didn't want to miss the train , not today.

Drawing the suitcage next to her leg she leaned a little on the handl and looked around . She was tankful that she bought the suitcage with the wheels in the bottom . She had only clothes , cosmetics , and ammunition . At this point she frowned deeply at the suitcage , she wasn't on duty , but who knows what could possibaly happen .

It made the wighet of the luggage heavier in at least fourthy pounds , it wasn't alot , but for the size of the suitcage it did seem alot .

Like always when she stood somewhere without deed the time was slowly passing , but at the second the train got to the station she swiftly got on board and sat on the nearest seat she could find to the door . Less than seven minutes passed and she could hear the slightly annoying sound of honking, and feeling the movment of the wagon beneath her .

Slightly closing her eyes calmly and pressing her right cheek to the soft back rest she gazed out at the green scenery. She would have some quiet for a week . She smiled a bit .Seeing her reflection smiling at her back reminded her how stressed she was the past few days . Sruging irritably she saw her reflection now frowning at her .

While searching wallet in her pocket her hand met a piece of paper that she didn't recall . She didn't put any paper in her pocket . Taking it out she saw it was slightly crumpled , whoever wrote it had no time to fold it proparly , at least she had a feeling that she knew who inserted it in .

Opening it gently , a small smile touched her lips . She was right , the colonel was an expert when he had to sneak a letter into a women's pocket . By the font she realized he was hurrying to some where . When he met her this morning they both were hurrying . She gave him her keys and told him that his instructions are on the table in the living room . Beside of that nothing happened .

scanning what was written inside of the letter she scowled , then folded it and placed it back in her pocket . Concren mixed with anxiety climbed up her spine , sure .. the colonel said everything would be okay , but when someone says something would be okay ,must of the times it messed up at the end .

Thinking again and again about the written, she folded her arms , then leaned her forehead against the cool glass . She has enough time to think , but right now she felt a very urge to take a nap ..

_' Dear Leiutenant.. no no I mean Riza , you see , I do remember out agreedment about our names when we're not on duty (1) . First of all I got a phone call , Ed would be released tomorrow , I guess you're reading this letter when it's morning already . So right now I'm in my way to sign on the forms . __I hope you're not laughing right now , you know that I dislike paper work ... Anyhow , I wrote this letter to wish you a nice trip , also to let you know that I'll be taking care of him for now . I'll try to speak to him , I'll be gentle , you don't have to worry take your time to relax . If he still wants to be in your custody I will let him stay with you .__Try to calm down while you're gone , I noticed you were stressed arounf Edward ._

_P.S _

_if you have any idea what to do with Alphonse please letme know immiditly , I'm breaking my head in an attempt to get to the solution ._

_Colonel Roy Mustang ._

* * *

"Here you go . After signing these two you'll be dismmised " The red haired nurse said with a smile on her face . A smile wouldn't help to calm him down .. he was mad at Havoc who almost ran over a stray cat in their way here , at least he wasn't Alphonse . He frowned to Havoc's derection who looked right away to his left . 

" Here you go " Roy jittery said and handed her the forms .She sighed, then looked at him and said in a sweet " It's too bad he has to go right now , I hoped he could stay for a little while " playing with the forms between her fingers she gazed away .

"Stay in here , why ? " Roy raised his eyebrow questionly . " Yeah I wish " A pause . She closed her eyes and continues " He was really something special . Deep golden eyes , beautiful long hair , well built body , gorgeous face .. " It seemed like she was talking in her sleep while dreaming.

Roy roughly shook his head and looked at her . In a little serious tone she said " If he wants to go on a date tell him that I'll be waiting for him " the serious tone changed into a smug grin as she turned her back and walked away .

"He didn't even try " Havoc said in disbelief as he stepped next to his colonel . " Yeah he didn't even try " Roy smirked. He knew why she liked him , but telling that to Havoc would be a mistake . Nurses fall in love with patients , it was a law , unless the patient was an old man .

Beside this nurse was beautiful , red haired with blue eyes a great combination . Yet somehow , the combination of golden eyes and blond hair seemed prettier in his opinion . Once again he shook his head roughly than before , what the hell was he thinking about .

" Havoc , are you going to stay in here , or would you come with me ? " . Havoc hasitated for a moment but then saluted and rplied " No sir , I'll stay in here " .

"Very well " the black haired man turned his back and started walking .

* * *

A timid knock sounded on the door ,Ed quickly raised his head and whispered " Who's there ? " . Insted of answering the door slowly opened . Roy slipped in quietly . Crossed arms he frowned at Ed who was sitting with his knees under his chin. 

Since That night almost every awake hour Ed had , Roy would see him in that position . It was like curling into a ball , which made him pretty mad , it showed of hopelessness and sadness . As always his face were burned deeply to his knees and narrowed golden eyes secrecy picking up from their place .

Is hair was messed up , but it looked better than what it looed like a few days ago . Ed felt rage and urge to throw something at the man , but then remembered his promise to Riza . He would be nice to him because he tries his best .

A fake smile appeared on his face as he asked " How are you colonel ? " . Roy blinked in surprise and smiled " You don't have to act , you suck at it " There was a silent_ 'you also suck at trying to hide your feelings '_ At this point Roy kept his mouth shut.

Ed folded his arms and waited . He wasn't patient , all he wanted is to hear whatever Mustang has to say and go back to sleep , actually , being alone sounded just great .

Pouting , he calmly asked " So , what brings you here ? " . As much as he didn't want to belive it , he really wasn't angry at the colonel , but the rage at himself was unbarelable , he felt so shallow and selfish , it made him sick . He tried to keep it inside but it seemed like something else has been taking control everytime Mustang was in the room . He pretty easy target , Ed felt sick thinking of it , it was true .. the colonel was a damn easy target .

He wouldn't shout at him when he acts like ass . Admitting was hard , but Ed didn't like it when Mustang looked sad , it bugged him actually .He would lie to Mustang , saying that he hates him . But he could never ever lie to himself ... maybe finding comfot in the man's words wouldn't be so hard if he would stop being stubborn .

It'll be better for both of them ..

"You're released " Roy smiled at him . " Huh ?" Ed blinked a few times before raising his head from the tight position . "You heard me . You're released . The doctor said your almost healed , I need to bring you back in a few days to take off the stitches from your hand "

Ed couldn't help it . A hearthly smile speread on his face as he's slowly getting up and leaning on his hand . "You're serious ? " He happily asked . "Yeah " Roy nodded and walked next to the bed . The smile on Ed's face faded as he sat his rear on his hills " I'm sorry " he whispered . Roy looked at his shoes , nothing was coming to his mind . A few silent moments were passing before he said " It's fine don't worry " .

Ed slightly shook his head . Looking up , yet , trying not to meet the other man's gaze he asked worriedly " Does Alphonse know anything ? " . Roy gazed at the ceiling , then shook his head an looked back down " No , he doesn't . I won't tell unless you will me to tell him . I personally think we shouldn't tell him anything .**Other people shouldn't know about it** Fullmetal "

"Yeah people really shouldn't know about that " Ed whispered vaguely . He knew exactly what the colonel ment by that .Throwing aggresively the blanket above him he stood up and looked to the big black couch , his clothes rested on it for way too long .

Taking a few back backwards , Roy glared at the teen . It felt alot better seeing him smiling insted of depressed and weak , of course he wasn't healed yet , and needed help both emotionly and physically . Roy knew he wasn't happy , this smile appeared for a second , it will take time till he sees him smile again .

this whole week and a half was a big mess and finely he would be able to relax , of cours Ed also needed to relax . Crossing his arms and sitting on the bed , Roy gazed up to the ceiling . _'One week with Ed ..' _He thought numbly . One week in attempt to make everything better .

It seemed impossible . He sighed and looked back at the blond that was inserting something into his suitcage . Maybe that way he would find out what makes him feel that strong will to see him smiling .

* * *

Riza slowly woke up .Her sight was blurry , she brought her hands up to rub her eyes , then she looked up to the window see the tall , dark green, trees passing as the train was moving . The light blue of noon was now fading into a bright shade of orange in the dazzling horizon . 

yawning quietly , she looked at her silver watch . did she really sleep that much ? Considering that she haven't slept very well at the night . The hour was already six twenty nine . She hoped to ger her destination before nine . She was patient , but today she couldn't think about anything else but Roy and Edward . The first thing she wanted to do is to call the colonel as soon as she gets to het stop.

If everything will be allright why did she feel this wierd feeling in her stomach , like it was flipping inside of her .

"Excuse me miss " a sweet voice broke the silent . Riza quieckly looked up to see a brown haired women . She wore a peach colored shirt and a white long skirt . Like Ed she wore a pair of gloves , Riza would wonder why , but right now she didn't really care . The brownhaired women closed shut her blue eyes and amiled gently at Riza . " May I sit next to you if you don't mind ? " she asked shyly .

Still sleepy from her nap Riza blinked and nodded . As she sat down the women slightly bowed " Thank you very much , the whole wagon was full " She said hearthly .

" No problems " Riza replied with a small smile of herself . There was an awkward silent for a few moments , then the women asked her " You worry for these two don't you ? " Riza's eyes popped opened in surprise as she's gazing to the other women's face .

The women who had a naive look on her face till now chanched her expression into a serious frown . " H .. how ?" Riza sttuttered and dropped her hands to her sides , she didn't know this women , plus she was sure she didn't know Roy , nor Edward to begin with .

Brething heavily , the women took off her gloves . Revealing her palm she looked back at Riza who was still slightly confused . Please don't tell anything about it to the military , I beg you . "Telling what ? " Riza gave her a questionly look before moving her gaze to the other's hand . She had five differrent transmuting circels , one on every tip of finger .

"Don't worry , I won't " Riza peacefully confirmed .

"I'm a mind reader alchemist " she whispering as she looked around . Now the puzzle started to complete itselve . She could read her mind . She asked her not to tell the military beacause it was dangerous . Mind reader alchemist were usefull for the military , but when the citizens started to lean it groups of rebels and terrorists kidnapped soldiers . A few didn't break down , when these people had enough they just called the mind readers who were grimly pulling their strings of thought (1) that way they revealed top secrets of the military .

After the military had enough of that they executed every mind reader they had found . They did it to everybody , even if he person stood up next to the military in a battle field . Even if it was a women or a teen . The military couldn't allowed anoter rebel .

Learning to read people's mind was a taboo , just like a humen transformation and turning somthing to gold by alchemy .

Riza let her gaze trail on the women's hand , five different transmute circels , they all seemed like a doodle , but the simple one on her thumb seemed to cathc Riza's eyes . " What's this for ?" she asked . Pointing on her thumb , eyebrow raised up, curiosity crossing her sleepy expression .

"Oh this .. the one that looks like a snake ? " she bit her lip , then looked back at Riza's face nervously . " Yes , this one " .

" Well , you see , this snake looks like the letter 'S' . When I'm reading someone's mind I need to use a lighter and light my thumb when I want to stop reading the minds . This 'S' stands for stop "

Riza nodded out of polite, she had no idea what was that all about . " When I was ten years old a snake bit my dad , he killed it and burned it . He used it's poisen . After mixing it with ink he turnered this symbol on my thumb . Everytime it meets a blaze for three seconds the effect of the other circels is gone " There was a pause then ,she spoke again "The body of the snake was burned quieckly , that's the reason for this great effect " The women forcefully grinned.

Riza swallowed hard , it all sounded really surreal , but alchemy was in some kind of way surreal , endless power , maybe . But also a thing that may kill you . If she created this kind of circle , this young women sure had a great potential . " How did you know that I worry to these two ? " Riza changed the topic .

"Well you seemed sad , while you were sleeping I lightly touched your hair with my finger and waited for you to wake up " . "Oh, I see , you read by touch , When you light the sake symbol the connection between the person's mind to your mind is burned down ,am I right ? "

" Yes you're right " the brown haired smirked . " My friend also tried to kill herself , her father died of illness , she lost her mother in an accident . she was all alone , one day she decided to end it so she won't feel the cloud of sorrow upon her heart . After finding her that way I helped her out and right now she's fine , she's smiling again . She shines bright " the last lines were said sadly .

Riza clenched her fists and looked out of the window . The light blue shade faded into a dark purple , Riza could see a few stars that were shining in the east . But her attention was drawing by the women that sat next to her .

" By the way ,my name's Monica . It's a pleasant to meet you , miss ? ... "

" Hawkeye " Riza smiled a dim smile . Her last name would be enough .

" Don't worry miss Hawkeye , it'll all be allright , I know that . I can assure you "

* * *

PLEASE READ : I changed a few titels since I made a few mistakes !

A mind reader alchemist , I haven't seen one in the anime , nor the manga yet , I hope I didn't go way too far . Don't worry guy's this Monica has something to do at the rest of this story :) I din't use her without any reason ...

1) What I meant to say by " string of thought " is every thought ( past , future , present ) .

Gah DX ! it was pretty hard to write . and I have a bad feeling hat I drew them out of characters ...

If I made any mistake , tel me .. it's one am .. I want to go to sleep right now .. lol

**Please review , remember , happy writer , update's quicker XD**


	7. Chapter 7 : disarray

**warnings :**

**language, self torture, sexual scenes**

In this story i want to exhibit the issue of committing a suicide . Some might not take this as a serious issue . I hope somehow trough this story people could undarstand the pain and the hopelessness of those people who commit suicide . When people get to this condition everybody they know should help them.

i absolutely have no desire or intention to hurt anybody -if you feel uncomfortable while reading it please stop reading this story.

**A sholder to cry on **

**chapter seven**

**Disarray**

* * *

Winry carefully walked with a pile of clothes in her hands . Since it been rainy latly she had to bring it in , who knew when a storm shell strike next . Rain was like a blessing , for the farmers , and also for the little kids who spent time having mud fights and getting dirty . It wasn't quiet a blessing for their mothers , after all , it was better getting wet from the rain than actually getting wet plus dirty . 

Putting the pile down on the kitchen table , she sighed , for how long she haven't heard Ed's voice? For how long she haven't heard anything about him ? A month . She started to feel a little uneasy about it , was he allright ?..

Winry shook her head aggressively , Ed was fine , they haven't got a phone call telling them that Ed was sore ,wounded, or worse , dead . She didn't have any reason to worry , at least , she tried to convice herself it was like that .

But right now , if Ed wasn't a reason to worry, Al was . Al started to act strangly whenever major Armstrong tried to have a normal conversation . Asking questions that were out of line and narrowing his eyes had become a routine . It wasn't the Al she knew , maybe he knew something she didn't have the courage to know .

Frowning at the pile , her mind travalled to the other side , major Armstrong . He also acted oddly since the second day he had been there .' _Actually_ ' She thought and sat down . Since he got this phone call he seemed awfully stressed .

Winry tapped her fingers against her cheek _'maybe he just got bad news about his work . Maybe it has nothing to do with Ed'_ she hoped . Suddenly feeling a vaguely disarray in her mind she looked at the unfolded pile that was obviously screaming to be folded .

Sighning she stood up and tightly held the first cloth that she caught in her hand . Maybe later she would be able to get some information stright.

* * *

"It's only a two minutes check ! Stop making such a big deal out of it " Roy barket and tried hard placing the blond on the chair . "No! " Ed cried out loud and unsuccesfully fought the other man . 

" This little girl bravely passed the check and you you're being a **little** child about it " Roy said in a tight voice . " I do not ! " Ed shouted angrily and folded his arms . Starting to sweat Ed bended his head slightly, then mumbled " I just don't like shots and blood tests that's all " Ed said dryly then gazed blankly at the floor .

"Well Fullmetal , I can't belive that this girl took it less seriously that you do . And beside theyneed to check you " Roy sighed. A few moments silence took over the room, the "bip" sound from the the pacemaker maching echoed in the room in an unpleasant way which made both feel stressed .

"Fuck you " Ed growled silently , yet , Roy could've still heard him . " You're starting to get on my last nerve Fullmetal " Roy muttered . Ed gave him a look then opened his mouth "Really ? That's fantastic , because you've been dancing on mine for the whole week ! " . A moment before Roy could reply to the teen the nurse got into the room .

Holding a tray with a niddle connected to a syringe and three amazingly big test tube , she smiled as she walked in . "How are you feeling today Edward ?" she asked kindly . " Bad " he whispered , face frowned . "Well you'll just have to get over it " She said in cynical way then put the tray on the little table next to the chair .

"You're lucky you're cute " She blinked and lifted the syringe , Ed would take this complement anytime , but any second she was going to stick this niddle in his skin and suck blood out of him . Ed crinched a bit when she pulled his forward hand and said " Look how pretty your vein is (H) " . Starting to feel uneasy , Ed tried to stand up but a weight on his body was holding him back .

"Let me go ! " He heard his inner voice screaming but unable to actually say it ,he closed his eyes shut and tried harder pushing the man away. And once again he unsuccesfully fall on the chair and heard Mustang whispering to him " I bet the automail surgery was nothing to compare Ed , just hold yourself " then he felt two hands holding him in the place .

"Don't worry Edward " She giggled " I was only joking " She said and gently pressed the niddle against his skin . Ed felt a little prick , then it became a dull hardly hurting sting. Flinching a bit and pouting , Ed tried to move but was stopped by Roy who tried to keep the blond in one place .

Breathing deeply and slowly , Roy decided on trying something else that might help ... Roy's arms sorrounded the teen and hugged him , still holding him in the place , this time there was'nt any rejection from the blond , a little flinch , other than that, nothing ...

Ed didn't move utill she finished the test , even after Roy moved away , he sat silently on his place and blankly gazed at the floor ."That's it " she smiled and threw the syringe to the "Danger of infection" bucket . "We'll call you when we get the results" She looked at Ed and patted him on the shoulder .

She lifted her gaze up from Ed to Roy , removing her red hair away from her eyes she gave Roy a questioning look and opened her mouth to speak " You're taking him under your custody , am I right ? " She earned a mild nod from the black haired , and waited a few seconds before asking another question .

"You gave your phone number and name down at the secrutary ? If you haven't you should do it right now " She said and slightly noded to herself .

"I have" Roy said " So we're dismissed , right ? " He asked , hidden hope could be heard in his voice .Even he started to feel sick from standing between the hospital walls while doing nothing .

" Yes you are . And don't you try doing it again , understand ? " She stared at Ed giving him an harsh look , then her expression softened , soft smile formed on her face before walking out of the room with the tray in her hands.

"You're ready to go ? " Roy asked , unfolding his arms . Giving him his casual shrug , Ed stood up and swiftly waked to the door " Yes" He whispered shyly and stepped out .

* * *

Riza Hawkeye vaguely shook her head .The black color of evening was already taking over the sky, drawning dark blue shades down to the earth with it . It seemed like rain clouds were gathering in the north .She sighed as she slightly stratched her back . It has been a long trip , she wasn't used to such long trips , leave alone that she was the one usually driving. 

She looked to her left , the young lady still sat next to her . She wasn't sleeping like she expected her to be . The whole trip she was at the same serious position , arms crossed and head cocked .

Riza returned her attention to the dim streetlights light they were heading to . Only twenty minutes or less , she assumed , she'll be out of this train in no time . The whole trip , she would admit , that she tried to figure out how the Elric brothers could've sat inthe train for days without loosing their minds .

Ed was patient, she knew that , till that moment she and Roy ...

She once again shook her head grimly and shivered a bit . _'Not now '_ She muttered to herself . Without noticing she started to play with her fingers , from stress she guessed , no , from stress , she knew .

"You feel bad " A voice broke Riza's thoughts and she looked up to see two worried eyes burried in her's . " A little bit I guess " She whispered , then lowered herr head . "Usually you worry , but you don't show it " The blue eyes said and did as Riza did .

"You're right " Riza replied , she guessed that she had to be scared or at least surpried that this woman could read her , as like she was an open book. She didn't care , all she cared about is to come back and find two healthy alchemists .

Sunddenly an idea came into Riza's mind , she wondered if Roy already spoke with Ed and cleared things up , if he haven't .. maybe she could .

She cocked her head and let a breath she hadn't realized she was holding " Monica (1) I need your help " .

* * *

Uncomfurtable , this is what Ed felt totaly washed and tired . He was sleepy , from the morning , the blood test he had to pass didn't really help him to stay awake , throwing up was more likely . A good sleep can settle it down . 

Right now he felt like crap , because he tried , he did try to be nice to Mustang , but it just didn't seem to work . Disarray , yeah , he could say that disarray was taking over him . Everything was so confusing ,Ed was nice , he wasn't , he was happy , then he wasn't , he felt like kicking something and breaking it into pieces .

Everything was mixed up inside of him , anxiety,confusion,sandness . Ed wasn't sure if he was sad ... but the feeling he felt at the moment was unable to put into words because he had never felt this way before .It wasn't familiar to him , he possibaly couldn't solve it so easily .

"You're ready Fullmetal ? " A familiar voice nodded in his head for a second before he turned around to see a tall ,black haired , man standing firmly behind him . Only a quick glare was enough to see that the colonel was impatiently waiting for Ed to step out to the other side of the glassed door .

The wind outside was frantically blowing in their hair and faces . Roy heard from Havoc that a storm might strike tonight , but didn't belive him till now since the day had started nicely.

"Chief , boss !" A familiar voice met their ears and they both turned to their right at once . Havoc stood about ten meters from their spot . His right leg still in the car , and the rest of his body was out . "I thought you might use a ride " He said suggestively and gently patted the sheet metal .

With that said Havoc earned Roy's smile ."Sure we will , thank you " Roy smirked and grabbed the teen's wrist . Ed flinched a bit by the touch and felt his heart starting to beat a little faster but followed the higher man .

Muttering to himself Ed gazed at Mustang's back ..

_'It'll be a hell of a week '_

* * *

I know the chapter was pretty short , but I'm saving the rest for the next chapter hehe ... 

H : like I said in my profile , H is for something that happened . I had a blood test a few days ago .. and the nurse actually said it .

1) Like it says in the previous chapter this woman's name is Monica .


End file.
